Notes from the Zombie Apocalypse: Chopped, Coronavirus Edition

I’d have my basket in front of me if I could actually get a basket but here goes.

My ingredients are as follows:

2 pounds of stew mean (that I didn’t order but thank god I received in my delivery, and by god I mean Jewel Food Stores.)

Eight hot dog buns

16 oz honey

One 15 oz can fire roasted diced tomatoes

Dried garlic flakes

Two carrots

Canned fruit cocktail

What dinner am I going to make out of that? I’m not a Food Network Iron chef so have no idea but I imagine things could be worse. I expect some time in the future I either won’t be able to get anything or won’t be able to afford anything.

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I love when Dr. Sanjay Gupta tells me to disinfect my condo with ingredients posted on the EPA website. He should tell us what to do with the ingredients not eliminated from my grocery list. I tried making my own disinfectant wipes out of paper towels, water and bleach, the only supplies on hand. The water and bleach turned the paper towels into pulp. I’ll ruin a few washcloths in the future. Dr. Gupta also says to wear gloves. I’m saving my gloves for the possibility one of us gets sick. Where am I supposed to get gloves when my emergency stash is gone?

Gov. Pritzker of Illinois asked us to stay out of grocery stores to the extent we can, so I’ve ordered for delivery a couple of times now. That means I have to add the delivery charge and the very large tip the delivery person deserves for doing the work and taking the risk. I’ve been paying 20% on groceries. I’ve read that some people promise huge tips on Instacart and then wipe the tip to zero after delivery. That’s just downright evil and shows how bad Americans have become after 40+ years of very bad leadership. It should also not be possible to wipe out a promised tip — a job for some app programmer.

I also ordered a few things from a lesser known web store, but that’s been odd. I get emails that items are delayed. Then, more emails stating that the items have already been delivered. I email back and store employees tell me they have no idea. When items come, they come separately and in huge boxes no matter how small the item.

The kitty litter has gone missing in the delivery system. Try explaining that to her majesty the cat. Is cat food going to be the next item that becomes unattainable?

Some say to bleach the groceries. That sounds like a bad bad idea. Some say to wash them down with soapy water. Others say not to soap the produce. I’ve been rinsing everything hard with hot water and removing packaging where I can. The bread might still be lethal but I try not to think about it, wash my hands a lot and wipe the counter with watery bleach pulp.

It’s not easy getting my 88-year old, cancer diagnosed dad to wash his hands after touching newly unwrapped groceries. He’s too tired to get up most of the time.

No shoes in the condo because we’re down to our last two Swiffer pads. What will Dr. Gupta think of me when I’m down to hot water and a mop?

We’ve given up on TP altogether. I bought a portable bidet for camping purposes. It works well except the toilet tank is starting to protest the extra water in the bowl.

Trump, Republicans and the corporate Democrats want everyone to work as soon as possible for the sake of the economy (stock market) but what about the economy that’s more important to most Americans, the supply chain. If we manage to flatten the curve and go back to work and the curve spikes again, will the resulting six figure deaths and seven figure illnesses not collapse the real economy?

Unemployed Canadians received the first of their several relief direct deposits this week. Americans cannot expect their one small relief check for several weeks, if at all, but mortgage bankers and private airliners have been bailed out while still eliminating employees. I imagine some day soon, I’ll be able to take a private jet to the grocery store but won’t be able to buy a can of tuna.

Congress is out of town. Trump is out to lunch. He says testing is not important but everyone who comes near him is tested. New York, and to somewhat of a lesser degree, Chicago and Detroit still suffer. Trump is using ventilators as payola for loyal Republican governors. California has just about seceded from the union.

Like with nuclear war games, it might have been a good idea not to play Chopped: Coronavirus Edition in the first place. The government knew about this novel strain of coronavirus late last year. It’s called COVID-19 not COVID-20 for a reason. Some adjusted their investment portfolios, but none of them warned us and none of them did anything about it.

Written by

Lawyer, Teacher, Mediator. Worked on many political campaigns and learned nothing will help until we enforce our laws, particularly laws against corruption.

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